I woke up this morning freshly reincarnated as a new and independent woman. I felt away from the bitterness between the exbf and I. I was done dealing with his selfish ways and his denial of true behaviors. Just thinking about his lies and callousness during the last couple days made me exhausted. After all, I tried so hard to get past all the hurt he caused me since last year, just to get a slap in the face all over again.
The drive from San Diego this morning was foggy and dim. But hopeful. After about 2.5 hours on the Cali freeways, the sun shone bright in Oxnard. It was great to be around my family again.
As my dad bbq’ed, my family from Hawaii who was visiting and I caught up and joked around. Through the jokes, my phone lit up. My skin went cold when I unlocked my phone to discover what I knew all along: while I was in San Diego, the ex had contacted the girls he said he wouldn’t. Wow. Just wow.
Sadness was a thing of the past. I was infuriated but also not shocked. He is so predictable. I fb messages him that he was full of it and that I knew he contacted those girls. Soon after, I learned he had tried inviting one of the girls to Vegas with him in an attempt to spite me for leaving on Monday. However, she turned him down and thought it best they dont ever talk again. Well hah! Atleast someone had some sense.
Back at my father’s home, the exbf had come over to apologize and try and make things right. It was a bittersweet moment. Here he was, only because I told him to come and apologize to me, yet I couldn’t bare to look at him without muddied vision. As he said sorry, he also lied to my face. Finally, I got him to fess up and admit he let the other chick stay at his place on Tuesday night. Insisting they didnt do anything past cuddling, I silently cursed myself for letting him come to my dad’s. And now here he was apologizing while expecting me to say sorry for “hurting his feelings” too. For real?! For effing real?!
I then thought about a passage I had read in my book about meditation. It challenged its readers to invert their usual current of thoughts and moods one time and see what could come of it. Unfortunately I like challenges. So instead Of dwelling on the past, hurt and pain, I inverted it to dwell on the present moment, the strength I’ve developed, and the hope for the future. I sucked it up and said my sorries, sincerely. Sure I hated him in the moment, but I was happy still to just be in this life. As soon as I changed, his affect and emotions changed. He insisted we be back together, that I give him another chance. A chance to show that he could love me fully as he learned that no other girl was like me. After much debate and discussion, I asked him what I should do if he let me down again. “Don’t ever talk to me again; move on and be happy while I sit alone wondering what I could’ve done better,” was his soft reply. Of course there’d be no talking if he hurt me again. This time, I had a plan B, an escape route, a fire exit.
After a few shots of cognac later with him and my family, I silently asked for a divine blessing to guide me through this next chapter in life. My own thoughts aside, what would our friends and family say? A good portion of my friends and family already scolded me for merely talking to him. His side already insisted he leave my heart alone and focus on his kids. Problem was, we tried moving on. We couldn’t deny our feelings for eachother.
A small thought crept into my mind that evening at the hotel room as I lie awake terrified of my own choices. I knew the old vengeful me could come up if the time called for it. It’s scary knowing many women like me have the capacity to kill a spirit, break a heart and cripple a person.
Next to me he snored. I was happy to feel next to him again but angry still that half my vacation was frayed because of him. A couple times I woke him up to grill him, which ensued in arguments similar to those earlier in the week. Once, he even threatened to leave as he put his pants back on. Instead of fighting with him, as hurt as I was, I challenged him to be better, come back to bed, and show me he cared. So he did. I wasn’t about to guess what I’d do if he didn’t. He undressed, came back to bed and rubbed my back.
Was I more afraid of him, this relationship or of myself? And is it my love for him or that my strength to move on is waning as I get older that’s keeping me with him?