Wow, if I weren’t on an emotional roller coaster these past few week during yoga training, I surely was this week.
All week in Yoga Intensive Training, meditating on the past, present and future consumed my being. Earlier in the week, we discussed chakras, karmic balance and of course, postures (asanas). With chakras, it was always known to me that my Sacral Chakra (2nd, Orange) had consistently thrown me off my entire life. This chakra has to do with the way we perceive and handle our surroundings as a human. On a more tangible scale, this could mean how we deal with things like money, work, spending/saving, tangible goods, our emotions and feelings connected to these things, and how we impact others through these things. Wise Yogis understand and acknowledge that although our basic needs (water, food, love, shelter, clothing) don’t change, outside factors can influence our basic needs (money, health, stability). Now this isn’t to say we, as humans, must hoard money or take from others. There’s a balance. Take what you need and need what you take. Actually, don’t even take- EARN. With this all said, I struggle with my orange chakra.
Also, I struggle with letting go and acceptance. I had been good about not talking to my ex in most mediums for the most part, as he hurt me severely. My fellow yoga warrior classmates (9 other women) could all feel what I was going through. Through their support and my meditation, I realized some deep things about him and his personality. There was always this feeling and knowledge that when he was younger, he felt a sense of abandonment. My compassion grew toward that realization. Little by little, I let him back in on my life. But I set boundaries this time: friendship in the context of yoga and its philosophies. He had done me wrong and I had done him wrong. We were now balanced out. Finally, I invited him to do yoga with me last Monday night at the park. Since I let him back in, he had been eager to spend time, in any context. So for an hour, we practiced with a group and for an hour, we had dinner. Catching up was nice, but I could see the anxiety in his face as his being called out for what was once a healthy relationship between us. “It takes time”, I said, explaining that relationships are based off friendships which are based off trust and values/principles. Understanding this, he begun to meditate and write about these meditations. As happy as I was to know he was seeking change, I warned him: Meditation is an ongoing process- if I were to disappear abruptly, would you still meditate? He refused that question. Rather, his ego refused to think I could ever leave.
Finally, at the end of the week, I invited him to do yoga again with me. He drove 3 hours to San Diego, not just to do yoga with me, but also see his family. However, by the time he arrived, I learned the normal Friday class was cancelled. Despite my hesitations on spending time with him outside of yoga, he insisted he buy me dinner (as I had bought his on Monday). The entire car ride to downtown was spent arguing- he had tried kissing me *as friends* but I pulled away citing being uncomfortable. This brought on a slew of negativity from him as he could not understand that friends don’t just kiss. Dinner was mostly arguing again. After dinner: more arguing. He wanted me to let him hold my hand, caress my hair, kiss me. These actions, he claimed, were only signs of affection. “Yes, but if we are going to start out as friends, trust needs to be earned, before ANY relationship-type stuff,” I countered. I forgive, but I can’t forget instantly the pain he caused me.
Three blocks away from the restaurant, our arguing about our places in life escalated. Finally, he pulled over in the middle of traffic and demanded I get out of the car. I looked at him incredulously. Really? You’re going to insist on taking me to dinner and then leave me out miles away from my car? It was a lost cause to reason with him. I got out and he sped away. For a minute, I stood there, thinking he would turn around and apologize. Then I snapped to reality and remembered he doesn’t believe he could do anything wrong or hurtful. As I walked block after block in the dark, it disappointed me to give so much credit to someone who could just abandon me like he did his wife and kids. It was also disappointing to realize my new $60 leggings were in his car. I made peace on letting those go and letting him go.
As soon as I made peace with that, I realized a harsh truth: I just wanted a hug.