Today I kept having flashbacks. The kind that make me miss him, the kind that make me feel lonely, the kind that make me wonder. It’s natural, to miss what once was. However, it’s necessary to remind myself why things can never be the same. Also, we must realize that there are always other people out there: challenging, kind-hearted, and creative. Someone who can nurture better things to come out of us.
I had the pleasure recently to go hiking with E not too long ago, and do something I never thought I’d see myself doing: rock climbing. It was probably the first time in over a year since a guy challenged my limits in any kind of positive way.
After some climbing (without ropes!), my entire body buzzed with adrenaline and confusion. The adrenaline was obvious. The confusion was unexpected. It was confusing to see myself leave my comfort zone for someone I was still getting to know. He must have sensed something in the way i was getting up to stand. So he enveloped me in a huge hug on top of the boulder we were on. Mmmmm I breathed in and felt the world lighten. Here is someone who is pushing my limits, but in a gentle and supportive way. More importantly, while being authentic about it. I knew in my viscera that he wasn’t hugging me to get in my pants or anything. He was hugging me because he just witnessed my shell of strength peel off during moments I literally thought I was going to fall.
After a little more climbing, we sat perched in the shade, feet above other climbers. Through our snacks, we talked, and watched other climbers. Then he kissed me again. Oh ok.
“So I guess this is where I remind you that I’m not trying to rush into anything,” I say as I pull away gently.
“Yea I understand,”
“Okay well does it even bother you that I’m older than you?”
His eyes widen. You didn’t know I knew did u?!
“Well, not really… Just because you’re a little older than me doesn’t change how we are,”
“True. But I guess my question is, what are you thinking of getting out of this thing that we have going?”
“Well, I don’t really have any set goals, we are still getting to know eachother.”
For once, I’m baffled. I can’t read him, or his intent. The hike back down has me trying to conclude that he’s just like any other sex-minded guy. But my instinct said otherwise. The rest of the day, we swam in the lake, jumped off cliffs into it (a first for me), hiked back, made out under old trees, and finished the day with fire-roasted pizza and craft beer.
At the restaurant, I asked him, “So, if you could describe your perfect day, what would it be?”
Without missing a beat, “Today.”
Smiling, I agreed.