Driving down the 101 around 11pm from Ojai to Oxnard felt majestic and melancholy tonight. The moon was full, the waves along Ventura beach glowed, and yet, my chest felt tight.
Earlier in the evening, as I tended to probably the most gorgeous wedding I’ve ever seen, I couldn’t help but toy with imagining myself in that sparkling backless dress. But, inadvertently, I began to slide back into the old mindset I had a year ago. The one that caused me so much suffering. I’m a recovering addict. One that’s addicted to this mindset of trying to control so much of the future through assumptions and potentials. Since last year I have fought hard to overcome this addiction of mindset- to live in the present, to enjoy the now, and to appreciate moments and people for what they are.
And just when I got good at it, I found someone pointing out that heart sewn bleeding on my sleeve.
As hard as I try to remind myself to be cautious, I can’t help but be curious… While driving under the moonlight, I realized a harsh reality. For the first time in probably years, I have the most blatant infatuation. It’s so dumb, but so profound, that it’s actually pissing me off haha.
Why is it pissing me off? It may be the feeling of vulnerability I’ve successfully dodged up til now that’s surfacing. I hate feeling out of control, first of all. Emotions and feelings are raw, they pull you out of control, and you’re left to fend for yourself. Second, having to put yourself in a situation of possible defeat can eat at a person if that person is historically a perfectionist. Third, these emotions have an ability to take over your thoughts of the NOW and manipulate them into preoccupations of the future that we can never even begin to predict. To put it bluntly, when you give someone else the knife of knowledge, you risk getting stabbed. But the only thing I can do, that I can even somewhat control, is to be honest.
So here I am, driving along to the sounds of Alt-J and his misty synth voice, as I pass the beautiful and heavy waves in the Ventura night. My annoying infatuation makes me wonder things like: “how can he say he likes me if he doesn’t call…” to “why the fuck am I caring so much, when I thought I wanted to be single?” and “This authentic feeling of liking someone without regard to peripheral crap is amazing…” to “Would I want too much, too fast?” .
I don’t know what’s going to happen and what will become of us. However, I do know that life is short. It’s not everyday you meet someone that invades your mind and plays tricks on your cognitive functioning, someone who sticks easier in your mind, than in other parts of your body. Whatever happens, I thank the universe for letting us cross paths. There is a reason we are introduced to people in life, and I have had the greatest pleasure of not being forced into “caring” about a person like I have in the past. This care dripping from my bleeding heart is organic. It isn’t pretentious, it isn’t manipulated, it isn’t contrived. And that is what makes this difficult.